Following In Her Footsteps...

Excited? Yea! A bit nervous? Well, duh! Ready to see new places and learn new cultures? Definitely! But this trip to London holds much much more for me…

When I first found out that I had been accepted to go to London it was finals week Fall Semester of my sophomore year and it was right before my Grandmother passed away. Grandma had been in the hospital for about a month at this point, and I had been going back and forth between Philly and NYC to see her during that time. However, during finals week I had not gotten a chance to get back and see her.

The same day I got the exciting news about London, my aunt called to tell me that my grandma was not doing well. She wasn’t eating much and was having a hard time breathing. She was giving up. I asked that someone tell her about how I would be studying abroad in England - if anyone would be proud of me or care about this trip, it would have been Grandma. In the midst of all the chaos, no one ever told my grandmother, and the very next day when I arrived, she had become pretty much unresponsive. She kept saying things about when she lived in Jamaica and at one point even mistook my father for my grandfather. But there were a few key moments about that cloudy, chaotic night which I remember with such clarity it almost feels unreal. Though she was fairly out of it and seemed as if she was unable to recognize us, when I went and held her hand and said “Hi Grandma,” she opened her eyes and looked at me and said “Tammy?” and when I said “I love you,” she squeezed my hand and said “I love you” back. My family was completely in awe as they had been there and gotten very little response out of her before. I almost felt guilty that I got such a response and yet I still had this selfish, sinking feeling that I wish I could have told her about London.

Why did I care so much that she was told this information, you may ask. Well in her younger days, my grandmother went on a 6-month tour of Europe and absolutely loved it. She had so many stories to tell, many that I unfortunately never heard about from her, and her time in Europe was never far away from her head or heart. Holland seemed to be her favorite place, or at least the one that made the greatest impression on her as it continuously came up in conversation after conversation about her trip. In fact, one of my most prized possessions is a windmill that she brought back from Holland and later gave to me as a gift. It is beautifully constructed and means more to me than she probably ever realized it could or would.

During the entire process of applying to go to London, all I could think about was how much I wanted to follow in her footsteps and see Europe and how excited I would be to tell her if I found out that I was accepted. I wanted nothing more than to be able to hear all about her experiences as I prepared for my own trip.

The last day that I saw Grandma alive, I had just finished feeding her and was trying to figure out what to say to her, as the doctors had said that she could still hear us. My dad had said that we needed to go soon, but I had planned on coming back, a plan which unfortunately fell through. So I decided to tell her right then and there about my trip. I grabbed her hand, and I said “Grandma, I am going to study in London for a semester,” and she squeezed my hand and with the faintest of breaths said “London?” So I proceeded to say “Yes, London,” and explain a bit about the trip. I don’t know if the rest ever made an impression, but I truly felt like the important information had gotten through.

As I continue to prepare for this trip which I leave for in ONE WEEK (scary, I know!) I cannot help but think of all of this, and how much I wish she could be here to share in the excitement. While I know this trip is for me to broaden my views and expand my horizons, I can’t help but feel like a part of me started the entire process partly as a way to follow in her footsteps and begin a journey which will hopefully help make me into as great a woman as she was.